


I won't cover my head in the dark

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [36]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Gen, M/M, Nightmares, Steve Angst, Steve Feels, alternate POV, not enough hurt Steve but some hurt Steve, very little plot mostly just people fretting, what Steve was doing during portions of that one fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 04:24:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4207830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Steve gets back, Loki and Bucky are gone. (Steve POV of a portion of the events of "Collapse the Light Into Earth".)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I won't cover my head in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> I have a weakness for wanting to write alternate POVs of events, because I like to keep track of what everyone is thinking and feeling and sometimes I feel sad about what ends up not being written out in the final version. And I wanted to write a little bit of what's happening with Steve during the most recent fic, and I also have a weakness for sad Steve worrying about things out of his control. So, this happened. And I was deeply, deeply insecure about it, but my beta assures me it's okay? So, here it is. 
> 
> Thank you to [said beta](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com).
> 
> Also, I have just moved! And am now living in Brooklyn and therefore that much closer to Steve Rogers, maybe. That's how that works, right?

When he swam out of the haze of drugs and pain, head clear-ish for the first time in weeks, it took Steve a moment to remember where he was – or more helpfully, where he wasn’t, that he was safe, free. He turned his head almost automatically to look for Loki and found Sam reading a book – though he sat up immediately when he saw that Steve was awake. “Steve!” He said, leaning forward. “Back with us?”

Steve hunted down a wan smile. “Feels like maybe I am. Can I have some water?”

“Ice chips only for now, I’m afraid,” Sam said, with a rueful smile. “I’ll go get you some.”

Steve tried not to let himself worry. It was a good sign that Loki wasn’t here, he told himself. Maybe he was sleeping, or…but it didn’t feel right. Every time he’d been hurt before now Loki had stuck by him like a limpet on a rock. That he wouldn’t be here now, when Steve had been gone for…a while…it felt wrong. Was he upset about something? Or in some kind of trouble? Steve _knew_ Loki got reckless when he was emotional, and if he’d done something stupid…

He sucked on a couple ice chips from the cup Sam brought him, then cleared his throat and asked. “Where’s Loki?”

Sam’s face did something odd, and Steve felt his stomach clench. “Steve,” Sam said slowly, and then stopped. He looked away and blew out a breath. “We’re not sure.”

Steve jerked and started to push himself up. “You’re not – what do you mean, you’re not sure?”

“Hold on – lie down,” Sam said, giving him a push, and Steve went down, though mostly because even trying to move that much set his body to screaming at him. “I mean – he’s not here. In the Tower or in your apartment. And I…we…don’t know exactly where he _is._ ”

“Sam,” Steve said, the hard note in his voice not quite masking the way it shook. “Tell me what’s been going on.”

Sam rubbed his mouth, looking away. “Steve…” He trailed off, and finally sighed and looked back at Steve, square in the eyes. “There’s a reason it took so long to get to you. We didn’t know you’d been taken.”

Steve frowned, but something about the tone of Sam’s voice made his stomach start sinking. “How could you not know I’d been taken? I wasn’t here.”

“We didn’t know you were taken because we thought you were _dead_ ,” Sam said all in a rush, and Steve felt like his heart might have skipped a beat. Sam’s voice stayed level, mostly, but there was something raw in his eyes. “There was – a _body,_ Steve. _Your_ body, or at least it damn well looked like it. What it looked like on the cameras – Crossbones shot you four times in the chest.”

“Oh,” Steve said. It felt like there was something else he needed to say, but it also felt like all the air had gone out of his lungs, or maybe the room. _Loki,_ he thought wildly, _Loki would’ve been able to tell it wasn’t me. Wouldn’t he?,_ but the feeling of dread just kept deepening.

Sam squeezed his eyes closed for a moment and took what sounded like a shaky breath. “There was a funeral. It was…bad, Steve. Real bad. Maybe there was something that should’ve tipped us off…but nobody saw it, it looked like, everyone _thought –_ and I’m sorry,” Sam added. “If we’d looked harder, maybe…”

“Sam,” Steve said. His voice sounded a little rough and strange. “Stop that. You don’t need to apologize for that. But…what about…”

“Loki…I wasn’t here, but apparently he tried to bring you back. With magic. And when that failed he…” Sam trailed off. “He took it hard,” Sam said finally, and Steve had a feeling that didn’t really cover it. “Thor was keeping a close watch on him, but…maybe nineteen days after they found – the body, he disappeared.” Sam took a deep breath. “He turned up again at Glen Hayward Therapeutic Center. Incapacitated a team of guards.” Steve sucked in a breath, and Sam added quickly, “didn’t kill them, though I understand they were pretty freaked out. Then he walked into Barnes’s rooms and broke him out. From there…they both vanished.”

Steve’s head was spinning. One part of him thought _he went to get Bucky, that’s good, at least neither of them is alone_ but another part couldn’t think at all, was just sort of – howling. He kept thinking of what Loki’d said about when Doom had made him believe Steve and all the others were dead – _I would have followed you._ Sam had said _he tried to bring you back. With magic,_ and oh god, _Loki –_ but Bucky, too, Bucky who had just started to recover and then to think that Steve had _died…_

He made himself swallow and ask. “And there’s been – no sign of them since then?”

Sam hesitated. “Not quite,” he said eventually. “There’s been…sign.”

Steve’s breath caught. “Doing what?” He demanded. Sam hesitated. “Doing _what,_ ” Steve repeated, more loudly.

“Going after HYDRA,” Sam said quietly. “Killing every single goddamn HYDRA agent they can find. Entire _bases,_ Steve, burned to the ground or reduced to nothing but a crater. They hit fast and hard and by the time anyone else gets there there’s nothing but smoldering wreckage and dead bodies.”

Steve felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. “God,” he said. Some part of him thought _well, they’re not dead,_ but he knew there was a _yet_ on the end, there, and even if there wasn’t…it was still horrifying. Selfishly, it wasn’t what he wanted, for either of them. And morally…

He felt sick.

“Natasha managed to intercept them about a week ago,” Sam said. “Talked to Loki. Tried to convince them to come back. She said an unknown assailant hit Loki with something before she was done, though, cut off the conversation. Since then…” Sam trailed off. Steve’s stomach was churning.

“Hit him with something? With what?” He asked sharply. Sam shook his head.

“I don’t know. You’d have to ask her about that. She was pretty pissed, though. Said she thought she might’ve gotten somewhere, if not for that.” Sam blew out a breath. “Steve…I don’t need to tell you what this smells like.”

 _Yeah,_ Steve thought, fear twisting like a worm in his guts. _It smells like a suicide run._ “We need to find them,” Steve said. “Catch up to them…stop them, somehow.”

“We’re trying,” Sam said. “We’ve _been_ trying. But all we can really do is try to find their next target before they do, and they move fast.”

“Sam,” Steve said plaintively. His chest ached, and not just because of his ribs. Loki and Bucky, out there somewhere, grieving. Thinking he was dead. _I would have followed you._

 _Don’t,_ Steve thought, as though he could communicate it to Loki if he just tried hard enough. _Please, just hang on; stay alive until I can find you._

“I know, Steve,” Sam said quietly. “I know.”

* * *

Steve slept poorly. Even a boosted dose of drugs only barely managed to make the pain manageable, and now on top of his own memories he dreamed HYDRA agents throwing two bodies on the floor in his field of view, bloody and mangled. Bucky’s eyes stared blankly at him, still open. Loki raised his head, ghost white, and reached for him.

“Steve,” he said, voice bubbling with blood in his lungs, and then his head disintegrated into a mist of red and Steve woke up gasping, struggling to get enough air.

Sam was there to talk him down, at least.

Steve seldom woke alone, in fact. Thor appeared for the first time a few days after Steve got the news. “I was on Asgard,” Thor explained at Steve’s unspoken question. “I came as soon as Heimdall gave me the word.” His expression held for a moment longer, and then almost crumpled. “My friend…my heart fairly leapt to hear that you lived, that you had been found. The joy I felt…” He shook his head and reached to lay one of his hands over Steve’s, touch surprisingly gentle. “I grieved your loss much and painfully. I am gladdened that it was premature.”

“Me, too,” Steve tried to joke. But Thor had mentioned Heimdall, and he could not keep back the question he wanted to ask. “Thor…if you were in Asgard…”

Thor’s face fell. “Loki and James Barnes have both been hidden from Heimdall’s sight. My mother…” Thor hesitated, a pained expression crossing his face. Steve felt his breath catch.

“What?” Steve asked, forcing himself to lie still. “What, did she hear something?”

“She has been attempting to contact Loki ever since he disappeared, using her magic,” Thor said. “Loki has…his mental defenses are strong. But recently something weakened them and she managed to reach him. They spoke, but…Loki shut Frigga out before she could convince him to come home. She was…much grieved, though she would say little of what they spoke of.”

Steve’s heart twisted. _Something weakened them._ What? What would weaken Loki’s defenses? Was he hurt? Injured? (Dying?) And what did that mean for Bucky, who didn’t have Loki’s unusual durability? “And since then – nothing?”

Thor shook his head slowly, sadly. “I wish I had other news.”

“It’s not your fault.” Steve’s ribs twinged and he bit back a groan, but apparently not the grimace. Thor frowned.

“You are in pain,” he said.

“Yeah.” Steve tried to smile. “Side-effect of the serum. Drugs aren’t very effective, and they don’t want to dose me too high or too often just in case.”

Thor’s frown deepened. “There are tonics used on Asgard…”

“We don’t know if those are safe for humans, though,” Steve said. Thor exhaled through his nose but didn’t disagree.

“I _hate_ this helplessness,” he said, right hand clenching. “Feeling as though there is nothing I can do…”

“I know what you mean,” Steve said. It came out a little dryer than Steve meant it to, and Thor looked guilty.

“I do not mean to sound as though…”

“It’s fine,” Steve said quickly. “I just wish…” That he wasn’t still stuck in bed. That he knew where Loki and Bucky were, knew that they were safe. That he didn’t _hurt_ and didn’t have new nightmares to occupy his dreams _._

“I know, my friend,” Thor said, his small, sad smile sympathetic. “I know.”

* * *

“Sam said you told the doctors you weren’t sleeping well,” Natasha said, sitting on the back of the chair instead of the seat in a way that made Steve profoundly nervous. Steve sighed.

“Sam gossips too much. I’m just a little restless, that’s all.”

“Good thing they’re letting you out of here today, then. I heard you made it all the way to the bathroom on your own.” Steve tried not to sigh again and just looked at her. Natasha’s smile faded, if slowly. “Seriously, though. You look a lot better than you did when we dragged you in here.”

“I need to get back on my feet,” Steve said. “So I can help…” He trailed off. Natasha just nodded.

“I know.”

Steve swallowed. “You…saw Loki. Right? Talked to him?”

Natasha’s expression shifted. It was very slight – a year ago Steve might not have noticed it at all. “I did. It was a pretty short conversation, though. Somebody hit him with some kind of dart.”

Steve frowned. “Do you know who?”

Natasha shrugged. “Could’ve been HYDRA, could’ve been someone else. I didn’t get to look at the weapon. Loki took it with him when he bugged out.”

Steve closed his eyes and tried not to worry about someone _else_ out to get Loki. One thing at a time. “And Bucky? Did you get a chance to talk to him?”

“Nope. He stayed at a distance. Sniper position.” Natasha’s mouth twisted. “I got the feeling Loki was taking point.”

Steve tried to sound casual when he said. “And…your conversation with Loki?”

Natasha gave him a look that made Steve think he hadn’t sounded casual at all. “I’m not going to lie to you,” she said after a moment. “He didn’t look good. Looked like he was just this side of coming apart at the seams. Like he hadn’t slept in a weak, lost some weight, maybe. I’ve seen people headed for burnout before and that’s where he was. And that was…a while ago.”

Steve’s stomach churned and he didn’t think it was just the pain medication. Natasha’s blunt assessment hurt to hear. “But he’s still…they’re still…”

“ _Something’s_ still going through Hydra like a scythe,” Natasha said, not quite able to keep the approving note out of her voice. “So yeah, I’d say they’re still alive. I think – Loki, at least, will probably stay that way until he runs out of targets. Without having talked to Barnes, I can’t speak to his state.”

“Bucky wouldn’t give up,” Steve said, almost automatically, half defensive. Natasha gave him a sharp look.

“Do you know that, or are you just saying it because it’s supposed to be true?” She asked. “Besides – he’s changed. And you’re one of the only ties he has to this time, who he is other than a weapon. Take you away and what’s left?”

Steve felt cold in his stomach. Whatever look was on his face, Natasha seemed to take pity on him. “We’ll find them, Steve,” she said. “You focus on healing. Trust that we’ve got eyes on the other thing.” She paused. “When you’re up for it…Pepper had a thought. We can hold a press conference, get some photos of you, have you say a few words, maybe. Get your face back on the airwaves. If one of them is paying attention…maybe they’ll see it.”

Steve nodded without thinking twice. “Let’s do it. As soon as Pepper can get it set up.”

Natasha leaned forward. “It might not work, Steve,” she said, eyebrows furrowing. “They might not see it at all.”

“I know,” Steve said. “But it’s _something._ ” He could hear the frustration in his voice and looked down at his hands balled into useless fists on the white sheet.

“All right,” Natasha said quietly. “I’ll talk to Pepper.”

“What did he say?” Steve asked, as Natasha stood up. He knew he sounded pathetic, desperate. Probably because he was, a little.

“Not much,” Natasha said, after a moment. “That he wasn’t going to come back. That he and Barnes had to do it on their own. He poked at me about understanding revenge, which I guess could be a good sign, maybe.” She sighed. “I was so close. _So close!_ And then…” She shook her head. “Whoever it was, I’m going to kill them for interfering.”

Steve closed his eyes. “You tried,” he said. _That he wasn’t going to come back._ Maybe he’d just meant right then, but Steve couldn’t help but feel the fear grow just that little bit more. He’d always meant to talk to Loki about this. Why had he never done it? Why had he never made sure that if the worst happened to him Loki would be all right?

“It’s going to be okay, Steve,” Natasha said quietly. Steve just nodded, not quite able to bring himself to respond.

* * *

He was on the train again, reaching for Bucky but he _could_ reach, this time, would be able to grab his hand and pull him up – but it wasn’t just Bucky, Loki was there too, hanging from the edge. “Think quickly, Captain,” said Sin’s voice, but in the moment Steve hesitated they were both slipping, falling…

Steve was on his back on the chair, his body strapped down and Hydra agents in white coats moving around him, picking at him to see what made him tick, extracting blood and bone marrow and spinal fluid. His head swam with the drugs they were pumping into him that left him too weak and sick to fight.

They turned him over on his stomach and Steve moaned seeing the thick, hollow needle they were going to shove into his back. “Stop,” he heard himself say. “Please.”

“It never stops,” said a familiar voice, and Steve shuddered as one of the scientists crouched down in front of him and pulled off his half mask to reveal Schmidt’s face smiling at him. “You know that, Captain America.” He grabbed Steve’s face and started pulling it away to reveal the red underneath. “All you have is the war. You never left.”

Steve jerked awake, panting, alone in the infirmary with his heart still pounding and his hands clenched into fists. He tried to take deep breaths and calm himself down before he set off any alarms.

Hydra, always Hydra. It had been a long time since the Red Skull had made it into his dreams.

Steve didn’t go back to sleep. _Decided_ not to go back to sleep. The thought crept into his mind that if Loki and Bucky were hunting down Hydra, then why hadn’t they found _him_ and he pushed it away with the bitterness that came with it. _Where are you,_ he thought. _I need you._

The press conference had been insane. Flashbulbs going off in his face going to and from the building, and again while he stood (briefly) and talked about being grateful and lucky to be home. He half scanned the room, expecting Loki to appear at the back, Bucky at his side. _Please be watching,_ he thought. _Please be watching._

The days passed with no word. “Almost every upper echelon leader we knew about is gone,” Natasha told him. He could hear that she was, maybe, a little impressed. “Strucker, List, Bloom…all dead. Even if Hydra isn’t finished after this, it’s going to be a serious blow to their command structure.”

Steve knew he should care. Should be _glad_ that Hydra was floundering, maybe even proud. He was still just scared.

In his dreams the Hydra mooks beating him up morphed into Rumlow and then Schmidt, taunting him for thinking he could ever escape. He dreamed Bucky torn to shreds in a hail of bullets, Loki’s eyes wide and staring above a gashed open throat, and falling, always falling, until he wasn’t sure if it was them or him.

 _Please just let them be okay,_ Steve prayed. _Bring them back to me._

* * *

“I found them,” Tony said, sounding breathless. “They’re in Italy. Naples. Probably after Rumlow, he’s been sighted there too. Maria’s already there and with the suit I can get there faster than a plane – we have them, Steve.”

“I’m coming,” Steve said, without even a pause. He saw Sam and Tony exchange a glance. “I’m _coming,_ ” he repeated. “If you don’t help me get on a plane I’ll find one myself.” His heart was pounding. “They still think I’m dead. If you want any chance of getting them to come in, I _need_ to be there.”

“It’s a bad idea,” Sam said.

“You’re not leaving me here,” Steve said.

They gave in.

* * *

Bucky crashed into him like he was desperate to touch Steve, to confirm that he was solid and real and there. Loki hung back like he was scared Steve might not be there at all.

“Tell me something,” Loki challenged him, looking like he was about to shatter, “only you would know,” and Steve thought _he_ might shatter. Loki looked like he was barely breathing.

“Loki,” Steve said, extending a hand slowly, carefully, like reaching out to a wounded animal. “It’s me. I’m not…I’m all right.” Maybe he was and maybe he wasn’t, but he was all right _enough._ Or at least for now he had to be.

Holding Loki, shuddering and clinging to Steve like he was never going to let go, Steve felt his heart break.

“Come on,” he said, closing his eyes. “Let’s go home.”


End file.
